Tuesday, June 25, 2024

Swallowing: I Was Mike Mew’s Patient

Mewing, that Very Online mouth-positioning thing that people do in order to accentuate their jawline, happens to be named after the dentist who invented the practice. And nearly 20 years ago, that dentist apparently stumbled on this technique while treating an adolescent named Gabriel Smith. Now, Smith has written a chilling (and absolutely hilarious) account of his time in Mike Mew’s chair. Say “ow”!

Mike Mew is a small and bizarre-looking man. He has a perfectly square head which, when Mike was a child, his dentist father molded using prototypical orthotropic methods. He is very short, and very slim, which gives the impression of his skull being about the same width as his waist. He wore, during our sessions, a tight shirt tucked into tight trousers, paired with square-framed glasses. He is bald, but fashionably so, and his manicured remaining hair frames the top of his strange little head very neatly. The impression he leaves is of an almost total cubeness, like a minor antagonist in a PlayStation game. He undoubtedly believes that his own physical format is somehow inherently correct, and in what he is selling: he has made himself into an example of it. “Look at your lips,” he said in one session. “Too big, too droopy, ugly. Now look at mine.” He turned to my mother. “This is how lips are meant to look. Firm and tight. Attractive.”



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